Fear and Loathing in the U.S. of Shame -or- Give Me the Keys, I’ll Drive

I have spent the last two days on conference calls with lenders and my clients attempting to pin down how the banks and their pizza-delivery-boy new hires sleep at night knowing they can’t do simple math- or even take advantage of the monetary perks bestowed upon them for converting a foreclosure notice into a loan modification Merry Christmas in terms of this now horrific bail-out… that was pinned to the front door of my ‘now personal’ clientele’s home as they sluggishly slithered down the steps back to the deep doldrums of no-answerville, in the county of Maybe where they fly a flag of Hope but their true colors are that so simple… the Jolly Rogered.
To be a little more in depth on this Rogering…
Key Bank.
You doubled my clients payment, re-aged it as you put it… it was in her best interest you say? Of course it was. Just make sure you don’t ask her permission or notify her. Thank you…Come again.
She is rich. An ex-school teacher in Mabton, Washington who lives alone- with a four year college degree. She collects SS to the tune of $1242 a month… no husband, no shoebox full of hundreds, no other income. I am wrought with sarcasm but not fraud.
Whats that KeyBank CSR by the name of Russell? She owes 11 grand in back payments and you want it all or you are selling her house on the 15th of January? … at this point I interjected and stated the aforementioned fixed income of $1242…Russell made the mistake of wheezing out a chuckle.

Now- I am a business man, but call me old-fashioned, call me respectful, call me an actual hard-working American that goes to work every day and tries to save his dilluted country from becoming a ghost town one home at a time…BUT- DID YOU JUST SNICKER ABOUT MY CLIENTS D.T.I. THINKING THIS IS A JOKE THAT SHE WILL BE HOMELESS IN LESS THAN A MONTH?
At this point he became unhinged… put us on hold for 20 minutes and came back spurting the same pizza-delivery-boy beaujoise blah blah blah.
While on hold, I did some math.
Anna, (my client, I work for her- and I’ll work for free at this point because I am SO SO pissed) refi’ed with KeyBank. Stay with me… for a new 1st trust deed of $85,000. Payment? $586. Great. Carry on.
She was burglarized and all her cash was stolen- her SS check of $1242 taken, then fell sick. She fell behind one month, two… Keybank “re-aged” her loan…
Long story short: Anna owes Keybank 11 grand in arrears by January 7, 2010. Her payment that was $586 is now $1100 because she was sold a Pick-a-Problem HELOC as her new 1st trust deed…. A HELOC. Which somehow…through miosis or some unbeknownst-to-me TILA/RESPA/HOPA violation-riddled shiite loan, doubled her payment without signed consent- and forget about even a notice that her rate was changed by the bank.
Three in-the-branch-payment attempts later…(we will not accept your payment, nor will we tell you why or even what it is)…
What is $1100 a month on an $85,000 loan you might ask in regard to rate?
Russell stated repeatedly that her interest rate was in the 5’s…than he stated the 6’s…then he said she is in an adjustable….(Russel puts us on hold for 30 more minutes at this point)…
I have no patience for this chuckling flush-faced uber-douche at this point who is now barking at 70 year-old Anna and me that the payment is $1100 and there is nothing he can do, and everything I am saying is wrong….NO SHIT, RUSSELL, OLD BOY- YOU COULDN’T CLOSE A WET PAPER BAG, let me hang up now and concede to your USA Today mental pabulum.
I stay calm as a cucmber and share with him the fact that there are no loans amoritized over 7.45 years and ask for the amoritization schedule. Shocker- he places us on hold again. Here’s a little window into my day-to-day life with these clowns that lenders have employed to make decisions on the largest, longest, most important investment of the citizens of this still great nation:
Me: Russell, I would like to speak to your Supervisor.
Russ: About what, Sir?
Me: About my clients loan.
Russ: Thats not good enough- you have to be more specific, SIR.
Me: I would like to speak to your manager or supervisor about the imminent foreclosure of Anna (last name withheld)’s loan in regard to her $1100 a month payment on her $85,000 first trust HELOC deed she holds with Key Bank, and how her loan that you stated was in the 6% range pencils out to double her assumed monthly payment because… as smart as I think I am I did not just create new math while you put me on hold and scurried to a bigger rat with whom you share a stinkier block of cubicled hole-ridden cheese…(the rich get richer, and the dumb get dumberer).
…and on and on… you are picking up what I am laying down, Right?…Russell finally comes back on and I can hear him sweating as his misinformed flying car gears turn, undoubtedly regretting his decision to leave his part-time gig at Round Table cleaning the sneeze guard (we all have our callings in life and on this notion I do not judge). He goes on to say I have to fax in my request for info on this P.O.S loan Anna was coaxed in to, and I’ve already got the lawyers in Washington state on the other line and my forensic audit peep’s on my cell…
Marty- I hope you post this as you are the only voice of the people right now when it comes to this fasade circle-jerk of these heathenistic bastards that pay out billions in bonuses and hire inept people and brainwash them into believing that the 10 bucks they earn an hour constitutes talking to people like you and I that know the difference between wrong and right…this was only part one of this ordeal with KeyBank- you should here the 3 hour conference call I had today with the “upper echelon” pygmy-brained-we-are-going-to-gut-you-for-all-you-have-before-we-take-your-home away insult to my intelligence.
I am going to video-tape in HD a loan modification on behalf of one of my clients from beginning to end. Speaker-phone, in your face truth to show America and the World what is happening… not just to the poor…but the soon-to-be-extinct middle-class and even some of the self-described rich. I don’t judge save for a few in these circles:
If you CALL YOURSELF A LOAN MODIFICATION COMPANY, OR A LAWYER WHO DOES NOT FULFILL HIS OR HER OBLIGATIONS and rip off people for empty promise loan mods to the tune of 2,3,4, and 5 GRAND— the Federal Trade Commission will find you- it is not a question of if, but when. Do you kiss your Mother with that mouth, you ScumBags? (Google FEDMOD) I am sure life on the run is pretty sweet. Psssh… Pound Sand, Kick Rocks, Agitate Gravel, Zeros.
Barack: They gave you the Noble Peace Prize not because you were the most deservant, but as a call-to-arms. You are the biggest celebrity on the planet- don’t pull a Tiger Woods- you have shipped all those grass root folks in your come-uppins to the far ends of the Earth and you have become just like the rest (have you) DO SOMETHING- Don’t be like them- I am glad you are all smiles, but down here in the trenches, morale is low. Simply put- Nobel Peace Prize? Where is the Peace? Let’s start at home and lets make homes affordable- IndyMac has NOT DONE ONE…ONE….ONE!!!! Permanent loan mod. Here is 800MM+ Dollars, IndyMac (insert newest name here)- make me look like a fool in the eyes of the people that got me to my new digs on Pennsylvania Ave- Signed, The President of These United States… that’s how Anna sees it, and all of my clients, and me, and the working class. You inherited a lump of coal, and you don’t have a million years to turn it into a diamond. Time to Shine.
Don’t fall asleep at the wheel- and that goes for all of you. Don’t let greed become part of your constitution- you do have a soul you know. Do what is right, and you will truly know what it is to be rich… (that whole camel through the eye of the needle shin-dig).
It is high noon in the BK Coral, and Corporate America… you are next to reset. In reality, the Meek shall inherit Nothing, RIGHT?
Who are the meek….
So all you AIG punk-bitches, all you trickle up newbies in D.C., and especially you dirt merchants who prey on the poor with false pretense- the scammers and fast-talkers from Spokane to Spartanburg… I speak for the entire Nation when I say in the immortal words of one of our greatest limey transplants, Robert Plant as he sang about an unfaithful girl- inspired by the immortal Ray Charles…
Clifford R. Stevens



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